Me - for a limited time only haha

All that is a mystery within myself

My blog name is Shame in me,
My real name i feel is too beautiful for myself.
I am 24 on the 27th of December.
I hate my birthday.
I am a walking contradiction at times.
I am the ultimate pessimist and the ultimate optimist.
I am full of self loathing and self doubt.
I'm depressed more than i am happy.
I'm too critical of myself and not critical enough of others.
I am gullible and always believe that people have the best intentions all the time.

I can see the beauty and good within pretty much everything and everyone.

I'm beginning to regret a lot of choices i made when i was younger.
I now feel as though my life is going nowhere.
I desperately want to go back to college to study Psychology and Philosophy.
From the age of 17-22 i took a lot of different drugs every weekend.
I felt like nothing therefore i wanted to become nothing.
I DON'T regret experimenting with drugs, i experienced some of the most amazing moments and conversations on drugs.
I DO regret the fact that i have a very addictive personality and not much self control.
I regret taking them for the last two years of that era because i wasn't enjoying them and they were seriously harming me.
I have been clean for 1 year and three months.
I gave up smoking, drinking and drugs all at the same time.
That was my proudest moment.
I DO smoke and drink lightly again now as of the last two months.
I have learnt the lesson of moderation.
I have battled with anorexia and bulimia throughout my teenage years right up until this day.
I've always been shy and always found it hard to fit in and make friends.
I now have the most amazing set of friends that I could ever ask for.
They have brought me out of myself and i owe them my life.
I love music with a passion.
A wide spectrum of genres.
I play guitar, but i wish i could play piano.
I spend most of my life in daydreams.
I have bad knees and bad lungs.
I miss my grandma more than anything in the world.
I have an unhealthy obsession with shampoos and conditioners.
I love Donnie Darko.
I love Tim Burton films.
I want to visit Seattle and Russia.
I am bisexual.
I have a biting fetish.
Gerard Way's face makes sense to me. I find him incredibly beautiful.
I am self centred, selfish and secretive.
I am caring, trusting and compassionate.
I dislike violence, narrowmindedness, and a lack of humanity.
I love listening to music whilst walking.
I adore the night time and staring at the stars.
I like affection and people who stop to think of the feelings of others.
I sometimes don't think before i act but i try my best.

We had a promise made... we were in love

Precisely 47 days since you crash landed into my life...
How could the days be so few? It feels like i have been holding onto you forever. How many of those days have you been absent for? I dare not count, for its not a number that i would like to be acquainted with. I feel it will be an endless count of days until you come back.
I feel like i have lost you, these words don't come easily.
How could i lose something that was never really mine?
I found you, and within days i found myself in the conversations that followed.
We spoke all night, we spoke all day, you never wanted me to leave, and i felt the same way.
I would have forfeited sleep, work, eating, everything but you, if only i knew then that you would one day be gone.
I spent my days being consumed by your love, and consuming you, you are a nourishment that made me beautiful inside. New colours within me, beautiful colour on my face, in my smile, in my heart.
We named that colour by your name, for it was a colour that my heart had never seen before, a colour so pure and so beautiful that any other name would only take away from it.
I fear the colours are being washed away with every rain filled day that passes between us.
The rain started to fall whilst you were still here.The darkest forces were at work to take you away from me, before i ever really had you.
You told me that one day you would touch me, and of that you believed.
I told you that i could already feel you. You were all around me.
You said to think of me, to think of my touch, my voice, was to fall in love with me. You said we should take it slow and i agreed, not because i thought we should, but because i thought my cries against being rational would scare you away.
All i ever wanted was to take care of you and make you happy, but how can i do that now you are no longer here?
I was yours from the beginning and i will be yours till the end...
Until the very end of me,
Until the very end of you.
I wish that i had fought harder, i cant help but fear that this is what drove you away. Why did i deny how strong my love for you was and still is? Time isnt on our side, i knew that then and now i feel it more than ever.
You are everything.
You complete me.
I am so head over heels lost within this tangled love affair.
A love affair that i could have only dreamed of, and now it seems just like a distant dream...
I longed for you in my slumber and now i long for you in any way at all.
Must i always pray that your feelings for me still reside somewhere in that beautiful wasteland you call a heart?
I cant carry on this life of a child of nearly 24, knowing i had you, but somehow you got away.

From the past, not much has changed

Never felt so ashamed, yet so at ease, so close to death yet as though i was perfectly happy.
So frantic but yet so frozen, so numb; yet aware of the weight thats crushing me day by day.
So very alone. No-one could quite grasp this feeling, yet i have accepted it automatically.
Without a second of thought otherwise.
I am trapped.
Me,
I have become so detached lately, so very unpredictable and i have seen things.
Things that were never meant to be seen.

Signal failure

The years have passed and the disease has progressed and i am still stupidly fooling myself as to the outcome of my life. It seemed so easy in my cloud of ignorant angst, when the day came there wouldn't be anything of worth to lose.
Now with the sound of warning bells somewhat muted & an unnatural anxiety free life in place, i am still tangled in this wasteland.
I seriously question how i would survive if this blanket was removed. I would twist and cower as i once did, back into something i once was; only before there was a flicker of a dimly lit shelter for me to seek solace.
This time i lack the ignorance and naivety that saved me.
I write this void of a definitive fear, although the days have begun to close in and this serves as a counter for the raking of leaves that will bring the star into darkness.